Tell me why I love you like I do
Tell me who can start my heart as much as you
Let's take each other's hand
As we jump into the final frontier
I'm mad about you, baby
Yeah
Things are looking up. She smiled during the salad.
You know why? 'Cause I used the funny lettuce.
Why was our wedding album in the refrigerator?
- I didn't want Fran to see it. - Why not?
'Cause her husband just left her. How can you be so insensitive?
- Guys? - One minute.
Go out there and talk to her. Don't make me do this alone.
I am. I am. I am. Look at this.
Great shot of Ira pinching your grandmother.
Oh, yeah, and a great one of Grandma slapping Ira.
It was really a lovely affair, wasn't it?
It just kills me we don't have the feeding-each-other-cake picture.
Because we had a stupid photographer.
You criticized him until you drove him away.
I criticized him. The man was a quitter.
- Can I help? - No, no, no, we're fine.
Go and talk to her. And don't mention Mark.
- What am I, stupid? - And don't talk about anything happy.
You know, holidays, music, sunshine, sex, nothing.
So, how would this be? Hey, Fran, you know...
the sex thatJamie and I had on President's Day was really a symphony...
and it was so nice out.
Were you two talkin' about me?
- Were we... No. No. - Good. Because I am really fine.
- Oh, I know. Jamie was just saying... - Saying what?
How fine you are. Especially considering...
- What, that Mark left me? - I'm not allowed to talk about it.
Here we go. And I didn't forget you, Murry.
Oh, you two are so lucky. Lucky to be so happy.
- Oh, no, we're not. - We're not that happy.
- You're happy. - No, you know, people think that.
- It's a cover. - Really. I'd say we're happy...
- 30 percent of the time, maybe less. - Less.
I feel like he ripped my insides out with a crowbar.
I'm an abandoned shell. I'm like one of those cars...
on the side of the Long Island Expressway.
I'll get the wine.
James, you're not mad at me about Sherman, are you?
No, no, no, come on. We were ancient history.
It was stupid. It was really, really stupid.
But it was really, really great.
I remember. Doesn't he have a gorgeous chest?
Who noticed? Most of the time I was facing the pillow.
You are my idol.
I'm your fallen idol.
Oh. I miss Mark.
I'm sorry. I really don't wanna be a burden.
- Oh, stop it. You're not a burden. - I am.
I'm just a big, stupid burden, and nobody loves me.
That's not true. We love you, and your son adores you.
Ha! Sure. He and my parents are living it up in Disney World.
Yesterday, he said he wanted the Little Mermaid to be his mommy.
Honey, what are you doing?
I'm looking for the corkscrew.
- I don't see it. - Did you look in the...
- What are you doing? - There it is. Look at that.
It's always the last place you look, huh?
- You're sitting here, reading? - Don't make me go out there.
I don't know what to say. This is not my field.
Like it's a picnic for me?
Are you really only happy 30 percent of the time?
No. I said that to cheer her up.
'Cause that would mean we're unhappy two-thirds of the time.
You missed the point entirely.
- Are you guys ever coming back? - Tell her we fled.
- Here we come. - We had an urge to flee and we fled.
- This is bad? Wait till tomorrow. - Why, what's tomorrow?
Look. I know I must look like the bad guy here.
- Nobody's taking sides. - You're our friends. We love you both.
You see, you gotta hear the whole story.
No, we don't. We really don't.
I never had much fun as a child. I always did what was expected.
I studied hard, went to med school, got married, had a kid.
And now I'm almost 40.
And when it comes to the world, I'm really just still an infant.
Don't you think you should be living with someone?
- It's really between Mark and Fran. - Look. Fran is great.
- Oh, she's a great lady. - Great lady. There's no question.
- And she's doing great. - Oh, boy, is she doing great.
No, not great great. You know, not too great.
Just a good amount of great. Wouldn't you say she's great, honey?
- She's a great lady. Done. - Honey?
All of this has nothing to do with Fran. This is about me.
If I don't do it now, I'm never gonna do it.
Do what? What are you gonna do?
I don't know. Shoot the rapids. Go to Carnival in Rio.
Dance on the Great Wall of China.
- Oh, I don't think they allow that. - What?
Wall dancing, They're very much against that, the Chinese.
You know what I'm gonna do first? I'm gonna ride cross-country...
just like they did in The Easy Rider.
- You bought a motorcycle? - No, a Range Rover.
I can't ride a motorcycle. I don't have an ass.
No, the cake had this frosting with little...
It was like frosty, little swirly, squiggly, flowery things.
Rosettes.
Rosettes. Yes.
No, it wasn't white. It was off-white. Like a...
- Not beige. - Ecru.
Ecru? Is that a color?
Yes. Yeah. No, not so much layers, per se...
- but, uh, tiers. - Tiers.
Tiers. The cake had tiers.
All you gotta do is just re-create that cake.
And I'll tell ya, if you pull this off, Mierko...
I'm gonna make a nice donation to your war-torn country.
You bet. Thank you. Bye-bye.
This is gonna be great.
At the party, I'm gonna re-create the whole wedding cake shot.
You know, the bridesmaid, the force-feeding, the whole shebang.
It's gonna be a beautiful thing.
Gesture. Let me ask you something.
If you're married a million years, does your wedding album go platinum?
Connie... and I say this not to be critical...
you're just a little bit late again.
I'm sorry. One of my cats was feeling isolated.
Okay. Yeah, but still, six hours.
I can't take all this shouting.
Hey, Connie. If PBS calls, could you tell them...
Could you tell them? Because I have to do some things.
What things? She's always doing things.
She says she's going to do things, and nothing gets done.
- You ever see her do things? - I bet her parents messed her up.
- Well, I think you may be right. - She's out of her mind.
Clearly.
I'd burn for her.
You'd burn for her? You burn for Connie?
Yes. Yes, I do.
Well, here's an idea.
Why don't you invite Connie to the party?
I'm gonna play with her head like a drunk kitten.
- Giant squid! Big squid! - Honey, it's the phone cord.
It's a phone cord. It's a phone cord.
Just having the SeaWorld dream again.
We should cancel the party. I'm gonna call people and let them know.
- It's 2:00 in the morning. - We should give them some notice.
We're not cancelling the party.
I just don't feel like we should be celebrating in front of Fran and Mark.
It's our anniversary. They said they want to be there for us.
- They're just saying that. - That's what I'm saying.
I'm just saying what they said. I can only go by what they say.
You know? So, just relax and just forget it. Go back to sleep, please.
How can you sleep through all this?
Apparently, I can't.
God, if this could happen to Fran and Mark, why won't it happen to us?
- It won't. We're different. - How?
- We're a better couple. - How can you say that?
It's true. Come on. Seriously, who would you rather be...
- them or us? - They were the perfect couple.
They weren't the perfect couple. They disagree about everything.
- They did not. - Yes, they did.
They disagreed about everything. And she criticizes him all the time.
- I criticize you. - Not like this. In that hand-slappy way.
Honey, the other day at Empire Szechuan, when you went for that last dumpling?
No, that wasn't a slap. You were hungry. You did what you had to do.
And the way Mark is always correcting her jokes.
- Exactly. - You do that to me all the time.
I don't do that. I never. When? Give me one example.
At the Futterman's party. I was trying to tell that joke...
- about the priest and the monkey. - It wasn't a monkey.
It was a dog dressed as a monkey.
- That's the whole point of the joke. - Thank you, Mark.
The only reason you're making any points here is I'm very tired.
Fran said Mark was always tired.
It's 2:00 in the morning. I am due back at SeaWorld.
Trust me. We are not them. It will never happen to us.
That's what Marilyn said, and Fred and Debbie Evans, the Tuckers.
- So? - All divorced.
- Get out. The Tuckers got divorced? - Yes.
- They were the perfect couple. - This is what I'm saying.
Wow! The Tuckers.
Now I'm worried.
You got me worried. You happy?
Actually, I feel a little better.
I'm not very good at chit-chat.
Me neither.
So, where do you work?
Are you sure I can't get you something to drink?
When do you have to know by?
Whenever.
Boy, Warren and Connie...
it's like a David Lynch version of When Harry Met Sally.
- Honey, what are you wearing? - I'm Dean Martin.
- Why are you wearing a tuxedo? - 'Cause it's our anniversary.
- Well, great. Now I'm underdressed. - No, no, you look perfect.
I did look perfect. Now I look underdressed.
- Trust me, trust me, you're fine. - No, everything's off balance.
I mean, if we can't even get our wardrobes coordinated.
Well, then we're doomed. You know, because...
You know, that's why most couples break up.
It's that painful lack of wardrobe coordination.
It's not funny. Look at Fran and Mark.
Would you please stop... Stop trying to get me worried.
This is our night. We are not them.
They weren't them at first. They weren't them for years.
Now they're them.
That's them.
There are people outside the door.
Yeah. Connie, that happens all the time.
People very often come to the door before entering the apartment.
I'm sorry. Are you okay?
- You may actually have helped. - Come on in.
You wanna give me your coats?
We're a little chilly. Happy anniversary.
Here. If you hate it, you can return it. Ask for Zora and mention my name.
In fact, you know what? I'll do it.
Can I at least see it?
Oh. Here.
- I got it. - Hey.
Hey, what? You don't bring a present?
Please. I'd like to think we're past that.
- Hey, Frannie. How you doin'? - She's fine.
So, where's Mark? What did he do, leave you or something?
Yes.
- No. - Yes.
Oh, man.
I'm so sorry.
- You datin' yet? - Ira!
All right. Can we embarrass ourselves later, please?
I have a little presentation to make for my wife here.
- Oh! - Happy anniversary.
Oh, my. Why, it's my wedding dress.
How odd.
What am I missing?
You are missing one very important photograph.
Ta-da!
Surprise.
- My God. - Well, why don't you go put that on?
You are the sweetest person in the world.
This is what I've been trying to tell you.
- Another great party, Pauly. - Can't believe my tux still fits.
- Looks a little tight. - Get outta here. It's not tight.
Well, you look a little puffy. Like Roger Moore in Moonraker.
Well, that's uncalled for.
It fits. I'm the happiest woman on earth.
Wow! Wow!
- Will you marry me? - I'm sorry. I'm taken.
You're late.
I'm sorry. I had a tough delivery. Triplets.
It's like pulling three pot roasts out of a Pringles can.
- Makes me wanna have children. - Say...
you look fantastic!
- Just fantastic! - Thanks. Go back to your wife.
It's so sweet of you all to come.
Don't be silly. We're happy to be here.
All righty. Why don't we just start...
We'll gather over here, and we'll take the picture. Sweetie.
Frannie, why don't you join us over there.
We'll take a little picture.
Come on. Guys?
Don't look at anyone else.
All right. So, dearly beloved...
we are gathered here today to re-create...
the traditional shoving of the cake down your loved one's throat.
- Now if I remember correctly... - The band was here.
The bar was there. The bathrooms were nine miles away...
'cause the idiot caterers didn't listen to a word I said.
- All right, sweetie. - Right. Ira and Lisa were there.
- And Fran and Mark were on this side. - There you go.
So, you got Ira and Lisa. We got Mark and Fran with...
Or you know what? Wherever you wanna stand is good.
If we're gonna do this, we should be historically accurate.
Don't touch me.
- Don't make a scene. - I'm not making a scene.
What speed film you got in there? 'Cause I don't know if you have enough light.
- You might wanna move to the left. - I quit.
Well, are you happy, honey? You've done it again.
- You're right. I'm wrong. - I'm back.
All right. See, you're right, you're right.
You see? Paul can admit when he's wrong.
- I don't think I'm wrong. - 'Cause you're an idiot.
It's not like there's another woman, for God's sake.
Well, there just might be another man.
What, a guy? Oh, yeah, right.
Me? Good. Very good.
- Not you, me! - Oh, come on, Fran!
- Is that so impossible to imagine? - No, but you would never...
- Why don't we just get the picture? - Never what?
- You know what! - Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?
- RememberJamie's painter boyfriend? - Fran?
- You slept with Sherman? Ha! - Lisa!
- I don't believe it. - Believe it.
- Tell him. - You knew about this?
It happened right here in this apartment.
- Here? - We weren't home.
- What, you gave her a key? - No, she had a key.
- I don't have a key. - Because you're not trustworthy.
I'm not trustworthy? I'm not trustworthy?
I didn't come up here with some painter to get...
Spackled?
Thank you.
How could you all keep this from me?
If you hadn't have left, this never would have happened.
- It's really not our business. - None of your business?
My wife is throwing it around all over your apartment...
and this is none of your business?
Okay, everybody, smile.
All right, so it's getting off to a shaky start.
I told you I didn't want this stupid party.
Hey, put that down, unless you intend to flip me.
Stupid. It was just so stupid.
I went to a lot of trouble to make this happen.
You think it's easy to match frosting on a year-old cake?
It's very sweet.
- Why are you mad at me? - I'm not mad at you.
God, you're so obtuse.
So, you're upset 'cause you married an obtuse guy?
No, no, the party was very sweet.
The picture, the cake, all of it. It was very sweet.
- Yes, but? - I'm scared, okay? I'm scared.
- Scared of what? - Of that.
You're scared of our living room?
No, that we'll end up hating each other and battling over custody of Murry.
Well, first of all, that's never gonna happen, 'cause I get Murry.
So that's not even a question.
- Don't make jokes! - I'm not. He's my dog.
So this whole thing could just end tomorrow?
- Yes! - How can you say that!
You said it. I'm just sitting here getting hit.
Dating was better. You knew it was gonna end. You could prepare for it.
What are you saying?
You would feel better if you knew we were gonna split up?
- Fran and Mark split up. - Because they grew apart.
- What about us? - Different. We're growing together.
- How do you know? - Because I've been watching.
I've been watching you. And me, I know from before.
I want some kind of guarantee that we're not gonna split up.
Okay, you want a guarantee? Here is a guarantee.
Nobody... Nobody will work harder at their marriage than you and me.
That's it. What are you gonna do? It's just... It's work.
It's maintenance. It's like growing a garden.
So, we're a garden?
That's what I came up with. We're a garden.
And if we do it right, you know...
- we'll blossom and flourish. - Really?
I don't know. I'm just makin' this up as I go along.
You're making up very good.
- We should get back out there. - Yeah, just...
- We're being terrible hosts. - Yeah.
- What the hell, it's our party. - Mm-hmm.
- Sherman was a real man! - Ow!
He was romantic! He was tender! He was tireless!
Fran, you let me up, or I swear I will get really mad!
There's nothing more attractive than a woman who'll get you in a half nelson.
Ow! Oh! Fran, I don't know who you are anymore. I swear!
- You've gone completely nuts. - Me?
You're the one running away from home.
I'm not running. This is a rite of passage.
Oh, you are such an idiot!
Oh, my God. They're at it again.
What is this? Every time they have a party...
You see? This is wild. This is spontaneous.
This is what I mean. This is what Peter Fonda would do in The Easy Rider.
Easy Rider. Not The Easy Rider.
My God, if you can't even get the title right...
- how are you gonna survive out there? - I'm sorry.
It's something that I've got to do. I gotta try it on my own!
I gotta live on the edge. Push the envelope.
I just might not be here when you get back.
I know.
It's just the chance I'm gonna have to take.
I'll call you from Jersey.
This table's been very good to us.
It's 'cause we treat it with affection.
Thank you for a lovely party.
I can see staring at this face for another 50 years.
- Really? - Oh, yeah, absolutely.
- Even if I get a double chin. - I'd love both of them.
- And gray hair? - Mm-hmm.
- And wrinkles? - Not a problem.
Even if I had false teeth, a mustache and I drooled?
- Why do you push? You always push. - Okay, I'm sorry.